WE ALL KNOW someone who goes out of their way to piss you off. Normally, the advice is to protect your peace and cut them out. And while you should probably do that, what do you do when it’s your brother or a coworker?
Try “gray rocking.”
It’s a strategy that therapists regularly suggest when communicating with narcissists—but gray rocking also works against rage baiters, trolls, and that one “friend” who makes everything into an argument.
Plus, it’s easy to deploy.
How to Gray Rock
GRAY ROCKING IS putting on a front that’s stone-faced, dull, and hard to move. In other words, not showing your emotions and communicating in short, neutral responses.
“I use it as a tool to disconnect from conversations where the other party is clearly using your reaction (or lack thereof) to provoke, and has no real interest in finding common ground,” says Alexandra Foglia, DMFT, director of family programs at All In Solutions, an addiction treatment program.
Here are some examples of “gray rock” responses:
- “I hear you.”
- “It looks like we view things differently.”
- “I’m not going to argue with this.”
- “That’s your perspective.”
- “I’m not discussing that.”
- “Okay.”
- “I don’t have anything else to add.”
- “Could be.”
The goal: Starve a dead-end argument that’s doing nothing but zapping your energy. Easy, right?
When to Gray Rock (and When Not To)
GRAY ROCKING IS designed for people you can’t walk away from in the moment: problematic relatives, difficult coworkers, combative people in a circle of friends.
The strategy is less a first course of action and more a defense against repeat behaviors. Your first option, of course, is to address issues in a clear and respectful way, says Matt Grammer, LPCC-S, founder and CEO of Therapy Trainings.
“When you recognize a pattern of someone repeatedly triggering, escalating, responding to your statements in ways that distort the meaning of what you’ve said, or getting aggressive to elicit a response, that should be the time you turn to gray rocking,” Grammer says.
There are two exceptions to all this.
The first is on social media, where rage-baiters and trolls are trying to elicit any response. Instead of gray rocking, Grammer says to avoid engagement: mute, block, or leave the chat.
The second is in romantic relationships. Giulia P. Davis, LMFT, founder of Mycelia Therapy, says gray rocking will not help with establishing a healthy boundary. The rocky communication between partners may evolve into another problematic issue—stonewalling.
How to Perfect the Gray Rock Method
ONCE YOU’VE DELIVERED your neutral phrases, it’s time to close things out. You may be tempted to throw in three additional sentences just to defend or explain your position. Don’t. Most likely, this person has no real interest in finding common ground.
“Once you have figured out that somebody doesn’t want to talk, and are just waiting for you to become upset, then this is your chance to discontinue the conversation instead of continuing to explain yourself,” she says. “It is extremely important to know when to stop.”
Jocelyn Solis-Moreira, MS is the associate health & fitness for Men’s Health and has previously written for CNN, Scientific American, Popular Science, and National Geographic before joining the brand. When she’s not working, she’s doing circus arts or working towards the perfect pull-up.
Read the full article here