IT’S HARD BEING a guy. Yes, it might not seem like the top priority when viruses like Ebola and hantavirus are spreading. But it does matter. Because the men in your life—your brother, your father, yourself—may not be as okay as they appear.
Ina recent editorial, Dr. Tyler Evans rang the alarm on the quiet mental health crisis brewing among American men. When MH reached out to several therapists and psychologists, they all had similar concerns.
“I think the biggest thing is men are socialized not to show anxiety,” says Carmen McLean, PhD, a psychologist at Stanford Medicine. “Socializing to show agency and self-efficiency dissuades from showing anxiety.”
Studies continuously show that women are more likely than men to be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Still, that doesn’t mean men are immune to anxiety. Since most American boys grow up with a “toughen up” mentality, experts say men are more likely to exhibit anxious feelings in “more masculine” ways.
Now some anxiety symptoms—nervousness, dread over impending danger, and rapid breathing—are still common across gender lines. However, mental health therapists say these five behaviors often show up in anxious men.
Not Following Up on Dating App Matches
MEN WITH SOCIAL anxiety disorder are more likely to stay single with few relationships or dating experience. But it’s not for a lack of trying. One study found men are more likely to spend time on dating apps but less likely to reach out to matches.
“Men are supposed to take the lead in dating,” says Stefan G. Hofmann, PhD, psychology professor at Boston University and one of the leading researchers on anxiety treatments. “The male is the one who is expected to take the first step. That puts them in a performance situation.”
There’s also the looming risk of rejection. In people with social anxiety disorder, the anxiety over getting ghosted is enough to deter them from putting themselves out there in the first place. “It’s a challenge for people who don’t like to play that game,”adds Hofmann.
The cruel irony is that most guys with social anxiety want to be in a relationship. Therapist David Ezell, founder of Darien Wellness, explains that some agonize over being chronically single. “Men really benefit from marriage,” Ezell explains. “They’re less likely to be sick. They’re less likely to be hospitalized. They’re hospitalized for shorter stays if they are hospitalized.” To many men, Ezell adds marriage is a desired status. It implies maturation into being a man.
Beyond seeing a therapist for help, one common advice is to schedule one-hour practice coffee date. Like with preparing for a job interview, there should be zero expectations with the date. It may even help to tell yourself you’re never going to see this person again to keep it low-stakes. On the date, stay curious about the person and attentive to both their reactions and your own.
Finding Any Excuse to Drink
ALCOHOL IS ONE of the most popular choices for guys internalizing their anxiety. Here’s why.
With one or two drinks, alcohol acts as a short-term anxiolytic by increasing the release of a brain chemical called GABA. An increase in GABA can slow down brain activity and temporarily cause a state of relaxation. In other words, it can loosen someone up.
“They are looking for medication,” says Ezell. He adds that a glass of booze pairs well with the “I-can-fix-it-myself” attitude associated with masculinity because it doesn’t require medical assistance and may seem like a socially acceptable way to ease stress.
Guys who forgo professional treatment may turn to alcohol to cope with anxiety.
Still, alcohol is a double-edged sword. Drink too much and the booze can make you more anxious.
One study found men consumed more drinks as their anxiety got worse. The study researchers theorized the heavy drinking may have developed as a maladaptive coping mechanism to relieve their anxiety. In fact, it’s been found that people with anxiety disorders are more likely to develop signs of alcohol use disorder like uncontrolled drinking and a constant need to drink compared to people without anxiety who consume alcohol at the same level.
Often Turning to Anger as a First Reaction
IN SOME MEN, anxiety may manifest as rage or anger. McLean says that culturally, a man getting angry is a more acceptable response than acknowledging anxiety.
One poll of people with anxiety found 71 percent felt “easily annoyed or irritable at least half of the time or nearly everyday.” Another found that 91 percent were more likely to express their anger on social media rather than face-to-face.
While women may find support from friends or mental health professionals, guys often let their feelings of fear and worry build up until they hit a breaking point. Then the flood gates open.
“Because emotions don’t get expressed [by men], anxiety isn’t expressed in a healthy way, there are busts of anger as a result,” says Ezell. “I think anger is considered decisive.” Understanding the root of anger as anxiety-based is an important step with finding help. Clinical trial data on anxious people has shown significantly less anger when they receive anxiety treatment.
To stop turning your anxiety into anger, therapists recommend to pause before reacting. That can mean taking several deep breaths or counting to ten in your head. This can help with emotionally distancing yourself from the problem, giving your mind to react more appropriately. To release anxiety and frustration, exercise (specifically strength training) can also help with releasing pent-up emotions.
Heavy Reliance on Their Partner for Emotional Support
THERE IS A loneliness epidemic, especially among men. With only 27 percent of men having six or more close friends, therapists are seeing a common pattern—a heavy emotional dependence on female friends and romantic partners. Hofmann says this can too much of an emotional burden, and can result in strained relationships.
Men are less likely than women to have close relationships.
Sociologist Eli J. Finkel further detailed the risk of putting all that psychological dependence on one person in his book, The All-Or-Nothing Marriage. Finkel argued that modern relationships are tense because people seek comfort, growth, purpose, and a host of other needs from romantic partnerships. Prior generations sought comfort in an entire network of family and friends.
However, with less confidantes to provide support through emotional distress, anxious men might burn out their few outlets (or only outlet) for social support quickly.
An Obsession With Status
EZELL’S PRACTICE IS located in Darien, Connecticut, a community often filled with hedge fund managers and Wall Street executives. With a median family income of over $230,000, it’s frequently named one of the wealthiest municipalities in the United States.
Despite their financial success, Ezell has clients who are riddled with anxiety over what they haven’t accomplished. “My clients make a lot of money,” said Ezell. “They are still not happy and want to know why.”
Guys are often anxious about getting ahead of peers, he said. If a friend winters in Aspen, his client wants to winter in the Alps. There is a particular pressure in status attainment—and status advancement—that fuels anxiety disorders for many.
“We are very grateful by getting things,” Ezell said, “but we get acclimated to that status very quickly. If I am eating well; I want to be eating better.”
Jocelyn Solis-Moreira, MS is the associate health & fitness for Men’s Health and has previously written for CNN, Scientific American, Popular Science, and National Geographic before joining the brand. When she’s not working, she’s doing circus arts or working towards the perfect pull-up.
Read the full article here